This is usually around the time I post a pictorial montage of my weekend up on my Facebook page; unfortunately I haven’t been well enough to put it together. In fact, neither have I been able to do anything photograph worthy for some time. It appears to be a trend of the last few weeks; it does not bode well.
The purpose of the montage is to keep me busy and active. My brain has become a bit foreign to me of late, so it helps me keep track of time and retain a semblance of chronology; I lose my place in time quite often these days, I think. Duration, start points, end points – all a bit of a mystery. It’s like everything is happening at once; it is overwhelming, upsetting. Reliving everything and feeling what comes with it anew. It may have made me a bit nostalgic and regretful, perhaps. A world of my own. Sometimes to process it I may remember things out of order, or things that didn’t happen. Sometimes for positive effect, sometimes not.
I have always been lucky to have an incisive mind, it has always given so much on so little – the engine has always roared on frugal amounts of fuel. It’s a debt I’ve steadily been repaying as the balance is redressed. My mood, concentration and energy have all but evaporated, as is my ability to understand the gravity of that fact – perhaps the one saving grace.
If I am honest, which is a rarity on this topic through the years, ultimately I feel no real improvement in my situation, although I’ve recovered my ability to ‘put a pin in it’ as it were, which is a skill I’ve honed over many years – despite the toll it’s taking. I can put on a good show.
I’m not sure if it’ll ever truly get resolved; perhaps one day. For now, I’ve been defeated. My only option is to just keep plugging away, it wasn’t always but it certainly is these days; my time and happiness are being robbed and, when I can, I’m fighting for them.
A picture paints a thousand words, so in lieu of a montage, I’ve written these thousand(-ish, probably a lot less, owing to poor concentration skills) words. As I see the sun rise I realise it has been a long old time since I slept, so the above may not even make much sense. I don’t always say what I mean, but I always mean what I say.
Treasure your moments, everyone; the bad times leave deep scars, but the loss of happier times are the wounds which never heal. Enjoy all the good times, make as many as you can, and try to remember them, which is what I struggle with the most…
Next post will be less mawkish and maudlin all being well.
I’ll finish below with a selection of words that are not mine but what are beautiful in themselves and currently playing around my mind:
“The other one he loved like a slave, like a crazed and like a beggar. Why? Ask the dust on the road and the falling leaves, ask the mysterious God of life; for no one knows such things. She gave him nothing, no nothing did she give him and yet he thanked her. She said: Give me your peace and your reason! And he was only sorry she did not ask for his life.”
⁃ Knut Hamsun (Pan)
“The identity of the official whose alleged responsibility for this hypothetical oversight has been the subject of recent discussion is not shrouded in quite such impenetrable obscurity as certain previous disclosures may have led you to assume; but not to put too fine a point on it, the individual in question is, it may surprise you to learn, one whom your present interlocutor is in the habit of defining by means of the perpendicular pronoun…”
⁃ Sir Humphrey Appleby (Yes Minister)